A Little Help
by Princess Pajamas
Summary: Les Miserables crossover.  Very meta, and very silly.  Should Hugo's waif Eponine be a Slayer?  Buffy doesn't think so, and she's got a little help from her friends.


**A Little Help**

In which Eponine gets some unlikely help against the Forces of Darkness

(otherwise known as a Fangirl with a Harebrained Idea)

Eponine was walking alone, late at night, thinking about how the people of Paris were all asleep. She didn't care; she was out and free, and nobody's but her own. The thought of that pleased her.

She was thinking about how pleased she was when, all of a sudden, there appeared a flash of light in the next alley. Eponine threw up one dirty, emaciated arm to shield her eyes, and when she uncovered them, she could scarcely credit what she was seeing.

In front of her crouched a small girl with yellow hair and big eyes. Although she was nearly as thin as Eponine herself, her hair and skin were beautiful and healthy-looking, causing Eponine to wonder how she was able to keep that way when she obviously had no money for food. Her dress was unlike anything Eponine had ever seen -- rough, tight blue trousers, a flimsy chemise with what looked to be little more than strings holding it up over her shoulders, and boots with funny bits of metal running up the sides. She was wearing her trousers down over her boots, not tucked into them like a normal person. Her hair was up, held magically in place by a pair of sticks, and her face was painted like one of the whores Eponine sometimes saw near her tenement late at night.

The girl stood, shaking her head. "Note to self," she said, seemingly to no one, "Ask Will to work on the landing." Then she noticed Eponine, and quickly seized her by the arms. "Wait, are you Eponine?"

Eponine started. "Why, how do y'know my name's Eponine? Who are you?" She had begun to suspect she was hallucinating. It had happened before, after a few days without food. And it _had_ been awhile since she'd eaten…

"My name's Buffy Summers. I was sent here to find you by my Watcher." She stopped and looked at Eponine closely. "Do you know what a Watcher is?"

Eponine just stood there, dumbfounded. Oh, her poor mind was reeling! "A what? A watcher? What's that? What is all this?"

Buffy tipped her head back, eyes closed in an expression of supreme relief. "Oh, thank God. I made it in time."

"In time for what? Please, Ma'amselle, what do you want with me, and how do you know my name?"

Buffy released her grip on the thin gamine's arms. "It's a long story, and I'm not sure you'll understand it anyway," she began. "You see, there's this girl--"

Suddenly, an older gentleman came out of the alley behind Eponine. "Ah, there you are!" he exclaimed. He grabbed her shoulder. "I've been looking for you. You have work to do, Eponine."

"Oh no," said Buffy, an edge of panic in her voice. "It's started."

Eponine was more confused and frightened than ever. She shook off the man's hand. "What's started? What is this, and why does everyone know my name?"

Buffy didn't answer. Instead, she gripped the taller girl's wrist and pulled her along. "Run!"

So they ran, boots and bare feet flying over the cobblestones, all the while Eponine almost crying, nearly out of her mind with bewilderment. The finished up in an alley, where Buffy let Eponine catch her breath against a wall while she peered back the way they had come.

After a few minutes, Buffy let out a relieved sigh. "Okay," she told the other girl, "I think we lost him."

Heaving, her face all eyes, dirty hair hanging in strings around her shoulders, Eponine regarded her new captor. "Lost who? You've hurt my wrist. Who was that man? Please -- _please_, explain yourself."

Seeing Eponine's panic, Buffy softened. "Look, it's really hard to explain, but I'll try. And I'm sorry about you wrist." She took a deep breath, and tried to think how to begin.

Finally, she said, "Okay, so I'm from this place… you could say it's like another world. And there's this girl, she thinks it might be fun to see what it would be like if you were brought into my world."

At this, Eponine couldn't help but laugh. "Another world? How strange! You're having me on, aren't you?"

Buffy scrunched her face. "Having you what? Lady, I'm not having you anything. I'm just trying to tell you what's going on."

Eponine fought to bring her laughter under control. When she had succeeded a bit, she said, "All right then, go on. You're from another world." She smothered another laughing fit with a snort.

Buffy rolled her eyes, beginning to lose patience. "Yes. And this chick – sorry, that's a girl – is trying to bring you into that other world, even though you don't belong there." Buffy stopped and, thinking about what she had just said, corrected herself. "Or, I guess it's more like she's trying to combine our worlds. I can't let her do that."

"Why not?"

"It's wrong."

"Why's it wrong?"

Buffy let out an exasperated sigh. "Look, it just _is_, okay? Also, it's silly."

"Silly?"

Buffy's patience slipped another notch. When she got home, she was _so_ telling Giles that she wasn't going to take another job like this, ever. _That is, _if_ Willow can even get me home_, she thought.

She was just trying to think of what to say next, trying to think of another way to try to make this girl understand, when a low growl came from the back of the alley.

"Crap," she spit, looking warily in the direction of the growl. Not only was the story catching up to them again, but now she was going to have to fight. If she broke a nail, she was going to be seriously pissed. She pulled a stake from her boot and got into her fighting stance. "Eponine!" she hissed, "Stay behind me!"

Sure enough, a vampire in shabby 19th century dress leapt out of the shadows at the end of the alley and made straight for them. Buffy jumped in the air and kicked him full in the chest, toppling him over. Before he could get up, she quickly planted a knee on his stomach and, with an economical gesture, plunged her stake into his heart.

The familiar sight and sound of the vampire turning to dust helped to calm Buffy's nerves. Then Eponine was on her, pawing at her back and asking excitedly, "What was that? His face… did you see his face? How did you _do _that?"

"Never mind. It doesn't matter, just forget you saw it, okay?"

"Forget? How could I--"

Another growl, this time from above them. The story was getting closer. Running wasn't working, but Buffy didn't know what else to do. So she grabbed Eponine's hand again and the two girls ran through the night. "Giles!" Buffy called as they ran. Willow's spell was supposed to let the gang watch her progress, and she prayed he could hear her. "A little help here!"

Suddenly, Eponine stopped dead in her tracks and ripped her hand out of Buffy's with surprising strength. Buffy halted and whirled to look at the dirty street urchin. "What is it now?"

"I've just had a thought," said Eponine. "Why can I understand you? You're not speaking French." She paused a moment, then added, "In fact, wasn't it one of the jokes on your show that you were doing very poorly in your French class?"

"My show?" Buffy groaned. It was getting worse all the time. She looked around frantically. She always thought she could fight anything, but she was losing this fight. "I can't win."

There was another of those flashes, and then there was a third person standing in the street with them. "No, you can't," said the newcomer.

Buffy and Eponine both turned to stare at her. She was average height, overweight but not unattractive, dressed in what Buffy recognized as pajamas but what Eponine thought were odd printed breeches and another of those strange flimsy-strapped chemises. She looked young enough, but both girls could tell that she was clearly Too Old For This Sort of Thing. _Also,_Buffy thought, _she is in serious need of a dye job. Will you _look_ at those roots?_

Eponine threw up her hands, shocked all over again. "Who are _you_ now?"

"I know who she is," said Buffy, looking at the stranger coldly.

"Yes, I suppose you do," confirmed the stranger. "Also, I have a salon appointment for next week, so don't be so judgmental."

Buffy resumed her fighting stance and asked tersely, "Why are you doing this?"

The girl in the pajamas shrugged. "It's fun. Relax, Buffy; we're not going to fight."

"I haven't decided that yet. You have to stop! Can't you see that this is wrong?"

"Buffy," Pajama-girl said sadly, "It's already written. I like it. I know it sounds crazy, but I think it works."

Eponine, meanwhile, had fainted in a fit of confused terror (and also because the author, all of her attention focused on Buffy, had nothing else for her to do). Neither Buffy nor the Pajama Princess noticed.

"I'm not going to let you ruin both of our stories like this!" said Buffy. "And I'll kill you if I have to, to keep it from happening."

"You won't have to do that," said a voice from behind them.

Both girls turned. There stood an elderly gentleman who was very nearly transparent, and a curly-haired man-boy of about forty. "We're here to help," said the man-boy.

For the first time, the Pajama person looked frightened. "Joss Whedon!"

"And the spirit of Victor Hugo," the transparent gentleman introduced himself with a bow. "We've come to stop you."

"What," scoffed Buffy. "You don't get a flash? That's inconsistent."

Joss shrugged. "We thought about it, but it would have ruined the surprise."

Meanwhile, the girl in the pajamas was upset. "What is everyone's problem? What have I done wrong? The story's good!"

"Well," said Hugo, "To begin with, I have it on good authority that what you've written is just a long summary, not a story. Also, while I'm fairly certain that I died long enough ago that there's very little left in my coffin, I can tell you that what _is_ there is whirling like a dervish."

"Well," the Pajama-girl sniffed. "Your story is in the public domain now. Why should I care what you think?"

"_My_ story's not in the public domain," scolded Joss. "And I just happen to have a handy little 'Cease-and-desist' letter here that should make you care what _I_ think."

Hugo's ghost went to the fallen Eponine, who had begun to stir. He helped the dirty, pathetic girl to her feet (let us forget for a moment that, as a ghost, he probably would have been unable to do this) and held her by the shoulders. "Go your way, my poor, misbegotten child. I absolve you from this 'fan fic', and I purge your mind of anachronisms past."

With a dazed expression, Eponine turned and walked away from the group. She moved slowly at first, but by the time she'd reached the first side-street, she was running. It was late, but if she hurried, she might be able to meet Monsieur Marius on his way home from the cafe.

Hugo watched her go, and then faded from the scene with a look of contentment.

"Come on, Buffy," said Joss, "Let's go home."

Buffy grinned. "I'm glad you came."

"Of course I did. No one's going to desecrate my characters while I'm alive." As they faded out, he added, "Oh! That reminds me. I think I've got a new idea for what to do with Dawnie, now that she's 50 feet tall after having lost her virginity to a demon. Also, do you think that if the First Evil were corporeal, that you would sleep with it?"

And so it was that the Fangirl With a Harebrained Idea was vanquished by her own Deus Ex Machina, and the fandoms of both Les Miserables and Buffy the Vampire Slayer were safe forever more.

You're welcome.


End file.
